Porn is love you can see.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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