need another drink. this is the easiest way
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
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