I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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