i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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