so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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