drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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