Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
