I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Randomize
