where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
How does it feel to date your dad?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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