You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
