peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
