He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
