Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
pop tarts are not kleenex
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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