oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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