Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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