u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
My Higher Power is John Stamos
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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