one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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