All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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