omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
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