Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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