I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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