On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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