i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Randomize
