Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
last night I used snow as a chaser
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
