Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
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