So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
