try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
