Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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