I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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