Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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