it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
At least life still wants to fuck me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
