im about as happy as oj after his trial
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
