I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
