I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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