I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
