Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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