In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
