I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
