dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
