You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
