I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
