you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
