Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
