Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
