if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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