Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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