before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
