If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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