I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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