did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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